The Pizza Test

When ordering pizza from a place you are unfamiliar with, it is good to have a strategy. I believe that you can find out everything you need to know about a pizzeria by ordering a sausage and mushroom pizza. The quality of meat is a telltale sign about a pizzeria and sausage is most often the biggest offender of good taste. I do not like what I call "dogfood" sausage, you know, those crumbly, rubbery, processed little nuggets that look like they should be in a dogs bowl. When I get a pizza with either slices of real sausage, or crumbles of sausage meat that looks like sausage meat, this indicates a big step in the right direction. If I see the telltale fennel seeds in the sausage then I generally start the mental happy dance.

As far as the mushrooms, canned mushrooms are bland, watery little abominations that have no place on a pizza (or anywhere else). Slices of fresh mushrooms are the only acceptable mushrooms for my pizza.

Now that takes care of our meats and vegetables. The remaining items of sauce, cheese, and crust tell the rest of the story. Doughy crust, overly sweet sauce, and an inch or two of cheese are all indications that you should run away from the place and tell your friends to stay away. A crust that is slightly less then perfectly round is a very good sign. It has been my experience that Atlanta tends to undercook its' pizzas. A black bubble or two on the crust is desired. The best pizza ovens (wood or coal, I prefer wood) run very hot and cook pizza in just a few minutes.

There are too many places out there where the owner learned everything they know about pizza from their Roma sales rep. Premade dough rounds, dogfood sausage, strange cheese blends, and other abominations are the norm. It is good to have a strategy to sort the wheat from the massive amounts of chaff out there.